gut

this week, i am thinking from within. trying to think from within a gut. because i get so mad outside the gut. when i am within it, there is a place for feeling. otherwise i am just sad all over. the gut is the concentration. it is so often what i lack here, because of the fracture of sight that happens within institutions? within this institution? because my sight feels fractured in iowa? something.

so from within the gut, there is an attempt to note this past week the noose found on madonna g. constantine’s office door at columbia (not to mention anti-semitic graffiti and racist graffiti found earlier on that campus, other nooses found placed outside a ground zero post office, a long island police department locker room, and a coast guard academy in connecticut; and, last ((and curiously sickly-appropriate to the mazes, a?)) a 600 foot swastika carved into a field in mercer county, new jersey last month). tom gitlin, a professor at columbia summed it up thus: a problem of systemic oppression and the consequences of it.

this is something. and how to make myself aware there. always. and always. and likewise of the charges against blackwater for deliberately killing 17 iraqis, as if the whole war wasn’t deliberate, but still it is another transgression of an original transgression? how the transgressions continue, and i keep scratching at my own skin to get at where i am --

without ranting, the u.s. is currently wondering whether we should have come out and said that the armenian genocide happened, as this has angered the turks and we need turkish support to fight our genocide in iraq. and if turks, too, now that they are mad at us for calling them out on their crimes, decide to continue their genocide against the kurds, then the u.s., too, will have to do something about the kurds in northern iraq who have been american-friendly and are now launching attacks against turkey… so we are arguing about genocide and whether to remember it while unable to talk about genocide in the present…

i am going upstairs to find some suitable sentences, doris lessing said last week, bless her, and kara walker said her art should embarrass us into wisdom…

immigration is deporting workers in the meat packing industry and american replacement workers are now leaving the job twice as fast as those before them before they were deported…

and many other things, but in particular a part of a poem by pasolini for the other side of the punishment of the wrong:
When yesterday at Valle Giula you fought
with policemen,
I sympathized with the policemen!
Because policemen are children of the poor.
They come from the outskirts, be they rustic or urban.

and i wonder what is happening as signs change, but systems remain the same. and i wonder can i find in the tangle of my gut, the suitable sentences?

a, you said about the break, to write into it, find the places, and the reunion…
and j, you say begin at the small, and yesterday we wrote the small for a long time…

i get scared of how i need love
that cannot be eased by giving love

being love is different?
is something about embodying, having the gut of --

letting the gut talk

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